Go no further, these chocolate chip cookies will ruin your life.
You have been warned.
I can only assume something must have gone horribly wrong to bring you here today.
Amidst a cherry-picked Pinterest Sea of “perfect chocolate chip cookies” a Google Forest of “best ever chocolate chip cookies”, and dog-eared cookbooks of “award-winning” and family favorite recipes, you have somehow found yourself here, face-to-cookie with the “worst” chocolate chip cookies.
I know what you’re probably thinking: It’s just a cookie, right? I mean, they look innocent enough, golden with melty chocolate chips, crinkled edges and melt-in-your-mouth interiors… but one bite and you’re ruined for life.
These cookies will consume your life, shrink your jeans, and steal your boyfriend (I wouldn’t put it past them, anyway).
They even contain a secret ingredient.
How obnoxiously cliché, and, even more obnoxiously, intriguing.
I won’t drag it out, the secret ingredient is maple syrup. Sure, pure maple syrup (priced per ounce nearly the same as gold) would be just wonderful. But, if you have a sticky bottle of Aunt Jemima in your cabinet (as I did), that will work just fine, too.
What kind of self-respecting cookie doesn’t demand purity and quality? Only the worst kind.
I credit this “secret ingredient” for being the greatest offender in this recipe. It gives the cookies a subtle, caramelized flavor, as well as long-lasting chewiness and softness (these cookies stay soft for days, the cornstarch also helps with that significantly), and the flavor is to die for.
And while anyone who takes a bite will be able to detect the extra richness of flavor, no one who I shared these cookies with was able to identify any sort of secret ingredient. Just “really, really, good cookies”.
OK, so what’s so bad about really really good cookies?
A Recipe For Ruining Your Life
How about the fact that they will consume you as you consume them. I’m not kidding about them wrecking your relationships.
Mom’s favorite chocolate chip cookie? Ditch it. You will snub your nose at every “favorite” cookie of the past and struggle to hold back scornful laughs at anyone who comments on a “delicious cookie”. Nobody likes a cookie snob, but you will become one.
Here comes that girl again, the one who’s too good for Chips Ahoy.
Be prepared for weight gain. It creeps up slowly, the cookies gently embracing you at first, then clinging to your thighs, your stomach, tighter and tighter until yoga pants are your only way out of the house. If you’re worried about your significant other noticing, don’t bother. They don’t notice anything anymore, only whether or not there are more cookies readily available for consumption.
Perhaps worst of all is that these chocolate chip cookies can be made so easily. There’s no KitchenAid or any sort of electric hand mixer required to make these cookies. They can be stirred by hand, dirtying only two bowls.
They do need to chill for 30 minutes, which would only serve as a deterrent if 25 of those minutes weren’t spent sneaking copious chunks of dough from the refrigerator.
If you’ve made it this far, I fear it might already be too late for you.
It’s too late for me, unfortunately, and I’ve made these cookies nearly a dozen times in the past two weeks. I’m swapping gym time for cookie time to keep my fridge well-stocked with dough, and the photo shoot for this post took three times as long as it should have because I kept eating the subjects.
If you can, stick to the “best ever” cookies, stick to Grandma’s chocolate chip cookies and the family favorites. Those cookies are safe, they are your friends, made to be consumed by you.
These cookies will consume you, instead.
More Cookie Recipes You May Enjoy!
The WORST EVER Chocolate Chip Cookies
- 1 cup unsalted butter melted and then cooled for at least 5 minutes¹ (226g)
- 1 ½ cups light brown sugar packed (300g)
- ½ cup granulated sugar (100g)
- 2 large eggs room temperature preferred
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- ¼ cup maple syrup² (60ml)
- 3 ¼ cups all purpose flour (415g)
- 2 teaspoons cornstarch
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 2 cups chocolate chips I used half regular semisweet chips and half mini semisweet chips
- In a large bowl, stir together melted butter and sugars.
- Add eggs, one at a time, stirring until combined.
- Stir in vanilla extract and maple syrup.
- In a separate bowl, whisk together flour, cornstarch, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.
- Gradually add flour mixture to wet ingredients, stirring until completely combined.
- Stir in chocolate chips.
- Cover bowl with clear wrap and allow to chill for at least 30 minutes (chilling!? I told you, this recipe is the worst.)
- While the dough is chilling, preheat oven to 350F (175C) and prepare cookie sheets by lining with parchment paper (if you don't have parchment paper, you can bake directly on an ungreased cookie sheet).
- Scoop about 2-2 ½ Tablespoons of cookie dough and roll into balls, making them slightly taller than they are wide. Place them at least 2 inches apart on prepared cookie sheet.
- Bake about 13 minutes (cookies will appear to be a bit underdone, but edges should be just beginning to turn golden brown).
- Allow cookies to cool completely on cookie sheet. If desired, gently press a few chocolate chips on top of the hot cookies.
- Keep unbaked cookie dough in fridge while waiting to put the next batch in the oven, and do not place cookie dough on a hot cookie sheet.
Why Did My Cookies Spread Too Much?Did you run into cookies that spread all over the baking sheet in the oven? Here are your most likely culprits:
- The butter was too hot when you added your sugar, causing the sugar to melt and creating a greasy cookie dough that never stood a chance.
- You didn't add enough flour. If the flour was under-measured, your cookies could spread when baking.
- Your baking powder/baking soda was bad. These need to be stored properly and often will expire after 6 months, if yours is old, that could be the problem.
- The dough didn't chill long enough. If your dough is still very sticky after 30 minutes, let it chill longer.
- You put your cookie dough on a hot cookie sheet. It actually starts to melt before it can even begin baking.
- Your oven temperature is incorrect. Make sure the oven is fully preheated and at the correct temperature before baking your cookies. Many ovens do not report their temperatures correctly and run hotter or colder than they indicate. I purchased two inexpensive oven thermometers that I keep in my oven to make sure the temperature is right.
Why Did My Cookies Not Spread In the Oven?Did your cookies not spread at all? Did they stay in balls even after baking? This might be the reason:
- Flour was over-measured. It's so easy to over-measure flour, especially when using cups rather than weight measurements. Never scoop your flour directly into your measuring cup, it packs the flour into the cup and you end up with way more than the recipe actually calls for. Instead, use a scale (this is the scale that I use) or use a spoon to pour the flour into your measuring cup and then level off the top with a straightedge (like the back of a knife).
- Your oven temperature could be incorrect. See above note, just as it can cause your cookies to spread too much, it can cause them to not spread enough!
Treat yourself to a FREE E-BOOK!
I originally published this recipe 3/21/16. I am re-sharing it today with a new photo and a new video and some additional notes that I’m hoping will be helpful. While I’d like to update all of my photos, they’ve become so well-known that I have chosen not to replace all of them at this time.