Go no further, these chocolate chip cookies will ruin your life.
You have been warned.
I can only assume something must have gone horribly wrong to bring you here today.
Amidst a cherry-picked Pinterest Sea of “perfect chocolate chip cookies” a Google Forest of “best ever chocolate chip cookies”, and dog-eared cookbooks of “award-winning” and family favorite chocolate chip cookie recipes, you have somehow found yourself here, face-to-cookie with the “worst” chocolate chip cookies.
I know what you’re probably thinking: It’s just a cookie, right? I mean, they look innocent enough, golden with melty chocolate chips, crinkled edges and melt-in-your-mouth interiors… but one bite and you’re ruined for life.
These cookies will consume your life, shrink your jeans, and steal your boyfriend (I wouldn’t put it past them, anyway).
They even contain a secret ingredient.
How obnoxiously cliché, and, even more obnoxiously, intriguing.
I won’t drag it out; the secret ingredient is maple syrup. Sure, pure maple syrup (priced per ounce nearly the same as gold) would be just wonderful, but if you have a sticky bottle of Aunt Jemima in your cabinet (as I did), that will work just fine, too.
What kind of self-respecting cookie doesn’t demand purity and quality? Only the worst kind.
I credit this “secret ingredient” for being the greatest offender in this recipe. It gives the cookies a subtle, caramelized flavor, as well as long-lasting chewiness and softness (these cookies stay soft for days, the cornstarch also helps with that significantly), and the flavor is to die for.
And while anyone who takes a bite will be able to detect the extra richness of flavor, no one who I shared these cookies with was able to identify any sort of secret ingredient. Just “really, really, good cookies”.
OK, so what’s so bad about really really good cookies?
How about the fact that they will consume you as you consume them. I’m not kidding about them wrecking your relationships.
Mom’s favorite chocolate chip cookie? Ditch it. You will snub your nose at every “favorite” cookie of the past and struggle to hold back scornful laughs at anyone who comments on a “delicious cookie”. Nobody likes a cookie snob, but you will become one.
Here comes that girl again, the one who’s too good for Chips Ahoy.
Be prepared for weight gain. It creeps up slowly, the cookies gently embracing you at first, then clinging to your thighs, your stomach, tighter and tighter until yoga pants are your only way out of the house. If you’re worried about your significant other noticing, don’t bother, they don’t notice anything anymore, only whether or not there are cookies readily available for consumption.
Perhaps worst of all is that these cookies can be made so easily. There’s no KitchenAid or any sort of electric hand mixer required to make these cookies. They can be stirred by hand, dirtying only two bowls.
They do need to chill for 30 minutes, which would only serve as a deterrent if 25 of those minutes weren’t spent sneaking copious chunks of dough from the refrigerator.
If you’ve made it this far, I fear it might already be too late for you.
It’s too late for me, unfortunately, and I’ve made these cookies nearly a dozen times in the past two weeks. I’m swapping gym time for cookie time to keep my fridge well-stocked with dough, and the photo shoot for this post took three times as long as it should have because I kept eating the subjects.
If you can, stick to the “best ever” cookies, stick to Grandma’s cookies and the family favorites. Those cookies are safe, they are your friends, made to be consumed by you.
These cookies will consume you, instead.
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The WORST EVER Chocolate Chip Cookies
- 1 cup butter melted and then cooled for at least 5 minutes*
- 1 1/2 cups light brown sugar packed
- 1/2 cup granulated sugar
- 2 eggs room temperature preferred
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- 1/4 cup maple syrup
- 3 1/4 cups all purpose flour
- 2 tsp cornstarch
- 1 tsp baking powder
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 1 tsp salt
- 2 cups chocolate chips I used half regular semisweet chips and half mini semisweet chips
In large bowl, stir together melted butter and sugars.
Add eggs, one at a time, stirring combined.
Stir in vanilla extract and maple syrup.
In separate bowl, whisk together flour, cornstarch, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.
Gradually add flour mixture to wet ingredients, stirring until completely combined.
Stir in chocolate chips.
Cover bowl with clear wrap and allow to chill for at least 30 minutes (chilling!? I told you, this recipe is the worst.)
While the dough is chilling, preheat oven to 350F and prepare cookie sheets by lining with parchment paper.
Scoop about 2-3 Tbsp of cookie dough and roll into balls, making them slightly taller than they are wide. Place them at least 2 inches apart on prepared cookie sheet.
Bake about 13 minutes (cookies will appear to be a bit underdone, but edges should be just beginning to turn golden brown).
Allow cookies to cool completely on cookie sheet. If desired, gently press a few chocolate chips on top of the hot cookies.
Keep unbaked cookie dough in fridge while waiting to put the next batch in the oven, and do not place cookie dough on a hot cookie sheet.
*You do not want your butter to be too hot or it may melt the sugar and you'll have a very runny dough. Best practice would be to cut the butter into about Tbsp-sized pieces, microwave in 10-second increments (stirring after each) until it is just completely melted, and then allow it to sit for 5 minutes.
Oh, and the cookie dough is pretty killer, too.
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